losing myself
Yesterday, my husband could see I was overwhelmed. He kindly picked up the baby and distracted the toddler, and suggested I get out of the house and take some time for myself.
“I don’t even know what I would do!” I replied. “I don’t even know what I like anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself in motherhood.”
Have you been there?
It’s hard to remember who I was before the endless diapers and sippy cups. Some days, I miss the old me. I envy the way I used to grab my purse (small enough for only three things inside!) and waltz out the door without a backwards glance. Off to go do whatever my heart desired, without a worry of sleep schedules, chore lists, or a babysitter I had to relieve.
Some days I really struggle to fight the thoughts that tell me those days were better. That I “deserve” more days like that.
And then when that day comes, I flounder with the unfamiliar freedom. Whenever I get a handful of hours without the kids I struggle with any sort of direction, wondering what I should do with my time.
Should I get some work done? Organize the rooms? Go for a run? Sit still and do nothing and just enjoy the quiet? Before I know it, my time is up and the kids come toddling back in, and life’s craziness begins afresh.
Today’s culture places so much emphasis on “me-time” and “self-care” and laments over “losing yourself in motherhood” that mothers now feel a new pressure: I must figure out how to take care of myself and nurture my soul! I must have hobbies and a fulfilling life! I mustn’t waste the precious alone time I get without my kids!
(Goodness. This doesn’t feel like true rest or self-care at all. In fact, I am even more stressed).
I think Satan loves this dilemma. I think he loves watching us spin in circles, discouraged and defeated. And I think he really loves keeping us from the true source of rest, identity, and the deepest care for our souls: Jesus.
Here are three things to consider:
First, rest and replenishment are important. Jesus often rested and retreated to places of solitude to pray (Mark 1:35). We were not created to operate at full capacity all the time. We have limits, and praise God for that. Let your limits lead you to Jesus. Ask him for true rest. Ask him that he would help you steward your free time well.
Secondly, the world will constantly tell you that you need more time for you (“you work so hard! you deserve it!”) and if we aren’t careful, this can lead to resentment toward our children or other responsibilities. Your children were created by God to need direction, care, and support. And you, as the parent, are the primary supplier of that. The call of parenthood is the call of surrender.
And lastly, as Christians, our understanding of ourselves is different than the world. We deserve nothing (Romans 3:23) and must remember our hearts are wicked and prone to wander. But the Lord— “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” Psalm 103:10
Tune out the anthem of this world— “you, you, more time for you!” and the pressure it brings — and turn instead to Jesus, who fully satisfies your weary and restless heart. “Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
My prayer for myself lately— and for you!— is below:
“Lord, how do I take care of myself in this season? I don’t want to be a victim or a martyr, I want to make sure I am communicating my need for help and my need refreshment and rest. Can you help me? Show me what would improve my quality of life— physically, mentally, emotionally— in this busy season of motherhood. Help me to remember that You most of all are the One who truly restores my soul. Amen.”
Yes, you will lose yourself in motherhood. But that is a good thing. For it will cause you to find Him.
-e