scoreboard

When I first sat down to write this post, it was titled: Let Him Golf: A Message for Wives.

I began typing out what I believe God had been laying on my heart lately, which was the disconcerting view that husbands are “the worst” for wanting to go play a round of golf on Saturdays while leaving their wives home with the kids.

As I continued to sit with this idea, I realized a better explanation would involve something more broad and not quite as niche. (Although, golf does seem to be a very common denominator amongst men!)

It has become increasingly common on social media to see videos and posts, comical or otherwise, on how the bumbling husband gets the lighter load.

I’m writing this from a place of conviction. All too often I double tap the “relatable” and “harmlessly funny” videos, or join in on the bitter narrative that I am the default parent who has to stay home and wrangle the kids while my husband gets free time with his buddies.

But can I be completely honest with you? It’s not harmless. It’s not funny. If left unchecked, it can feed a problem that is a poison to any marriage.

And that problem is twofold: an inflated sense of self, and a lack of respect for our husbands.

Satan wants there to be a scoreboard. All day long you’re keeping points of who is doing more with the kids, around the house, at work… even who is getting more sleep! If the scale becomes uneven, then you get a free pass to be resentful and mean, or eventually get more _____ so that the score will be even again.

This scoreboard can only lead to two things: one, dying to yourself in your marriage, or two, the death of a godly marriage.

The goal isn’t for the scoreboard to display a perfect tie, or for the scales to be perfectly balanced. The goal is to serve your spouse, every day, with the same sacrificial love that Jesus modeled for us.

However, this does not negate responsibility. If your spouse is truly unhelpful, then that is a conversation the two of you need to have. But I’d argue that the majority of spouses genuinely do want to help and share the load.

I’ve spent a good part of my marriage as a martyr, shouldering more than I ever had to, because I was too prideful to ask for help, assuming that he didn’t want to chip in.

And then when he would ask to go play golf on a Saturday? I’d erupt.

I was bitter and resentful toward him for something that was completely my fault.

How’s that for a tough pill to swallow?

My spouse is not a mind-reader. I’d argue yours isn’t, either. When I finally went to my husband and communicated the areas where I needed more assistance, he was relieved to know how to help me. So often I’d go on a “storm” where I’d huff and puff around the house, slamming cabinets, when I could have saved us all the angst just by asking, “Can you help me with this, please?”.

There will be seasons in your marriage where the load will be unequal. I’ll never forget the handful of weeks in early pregnancy and in postpartum where my husband kept everything afloat. I don’t owe him anything for that. And he doesn’t owe me anything for the times I shouldered the load when he needed me to. It’s what we do. It’s what we signed up for. We choose to love and serve one another.

We have finally gotten to a place in our marriage where whenever he asks me if he can go play golf, I say yes. Because I know my husband loves it. And I love him. And this is one tangible way for me to show it.

Because most of the time, it’s just the sin in my heart that is saying no. Whether it be bitterness over an unequal scoreboard lately, or fear of parenting alone for a few hours, it’s 90% of the time something that is between me and the Lord, and has nothing to do with my husband and his harmless request to go have some normal, healthy fun.

And when he does go golfing, we make sure I’m set up for success while I’m home with the kids. This has something we have worked on over time through trial and error. We we are a team. And sometimes a good teammate will let the other member get some time away.

And wives— let this be your encouragement to get out of the house sometimes, too! Chances are, if your husband is anything like mine, they will be more than happy to hold down the fort while you go and do something that you enjoy.

But the most important thing to remember, wives, is you are responsible for you. Not what your husband does or doesn’t do. And the Lord tells us in Ephesians 5: “Wives, submit to your husband, as to the Lord… the wife must respect her husband.”

I’d challenge you, fellow wife, to examine your heart and find any bitter roots you have growing about your husband. Prune them as quickly as you can. Renounce the lies the enemy is telling you about your spouse with the truth of God’s word. Go give him a kiss and tell you love him and are thankful for him (he needs to hear it more than you know). And whatever roots have deeper origins, attack them with prayer.

As with love, you aren’t always going to feel like submitting to or respecting your husband. But we obey the Lord. We do it anyway. And we reject resentment and bitterness in Jesus’ name.

If you are reading this and thinking, “but my husband is ____” then pray. Truthfully, it is the one thing that has transformed my marriage. My husband and I are both drastically different people than when we stood at the altar because of the power of God through prayer.

So… next time he asks, let him go golfing. Or even better, don’t wait for him to ask. Suggest it yourself! Or whatever “it” is that will require you to die to yourself and love your husband well.

Scripture:

Deuteronomy 13:4 “It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.”

Proverbs 31:12 “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

1 Corinthians 13: “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Luke 9:23-24: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

***As with all posts on marriage, I want to put a very important disclaimer that if you are in an abusive relationship, this does not apply to you. If you find yourself in a season of life where you cannot ask for time away or your spouse is genuinely not an active participant in your home, then I would encourage you to first, pray. And then invite godly counsel into your life, whether that be a mentor or Christian counselor, who can come alongside you as you work at improving communication and trust in your marriage.***