generational grace

From the moment my firstborn was a few weeks old, a paralyzing thought hit me: “What if I screw this up?”

That original thought has since spiraled beyond the basics of making sure she was fed, clean, and safe, and into much grander fears of:

• what if my unhealed issues cause my kids to have issues?

• what if they develop some sort of disorder because I did or didn’t ______?

• what if they go to JAIL?

We are working through the catastrophic thinking, I assure you. But my fellow parents know how crazy our thoughts and worries about our kids can get if we don’t rein them in!

An awareness of this kind of thinking got me thinking even more. Especially when I saw other parents express similar fears on social media.

I see it all over reels and posts today— phrases such as generational curses and generational trauma.

The words trauma and abuse are thrown around often. It is interesting to consider if those claiming such things truly know what such words imply?

Caution is necessary in using powerful words like these.

And perhaps they are a factor. I’m not saying they aren’t. Some of us do have genuine abuse from our upbringing that needs attention. Pray for the courage and opportunity to seek healing, if so. God is close to the brokenhearted. He is close to you.

This current generation is placing such a heavy weight on breaking these patterns and choosing a different parenting approach than our parents before us.

And I don’t think that’s bad. It’s good to learn from past mistakes and improve the areas that weren’t done well.

But I’ve been praying that God would help me see the truth in all of the noise. Especially as I talk to more experienced moms who have made mistakes and parented in different ways and they, along with their children, have lived to tell the tale. And I’ve come to two main points:

We are afraid to mess up their kids because:

• We are misplacing our focus

• We are forgetting who God is

*** Let me put a very important disclaimer here. This post is for those who call themselves believers in Jesus. And this post is not excusing abuse.***

The focus of this fear involves too much attention on the generation before us; “repeating the past,” so to speak.

Our parents are sinners. They are first-time parents, too. They are still learning, in some respects, just like we are.

They made mistakes. They said hurtful things or their actions hurt us. (and that is just generalizing!)

Our parent’s sinful tendencies affected us, surely. We can find ourselves defaulting to what we have learned by example— some examples not being very good.

However, as Christians, to blame our parents and/or our upbringing for the way that we behave is to foolishly forget God is sovereign and He has the power to redeem what is broken in all of us.

The main point is: Our parents are sinners in need of a Savior. So are we. So are our kids.

It is so important to remember this when we are focusing too much on what our parents did or what our kids may do— when there is a person in the mirror (you and me) who is the only person we can truly control.

And that thought can be scary.

We panic after we yell at our children, thinking, “they are going to need therapy some day because of me!”

Maybe. But does that ruin them? Is anyone so far gone beyond the living hand of the Father?

It is also important to remember a parent can do everything “right,” and still find their children choosing to walk away from the Lord.

We aren’t in control of our parents or our kids. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. We will ALL give an account before God for how we lived our lives and how we raised the children he entrusted to us on this earth.

You are going to make mistakes. Your immaturity in certain areas will affect your kids. That is what sin does. But Who defeated sin? Who is on the throne? Who has the power to take your mistakes and turn them into something good? Who offers forgiveness and fresh starts?

Jesus does. And He loves your kids infinitely more than you do.

YES, parenting is a tremendous task. But there is grace. For us, for our parents, and for our kids (James 4:6, 1 John 1:9).

So be faithful. Get in the Word. Confess your shortcomings. Shun perfection and pursue growing in holiness. Stop blaming your parents and stop worrying about your kids. Fight the sin you struggle with so you can improve for next time. But when you mess up, know that there is a loving, sovereign Father who is not surprised. And He is in careful and wise control over you and your children.

Find hope in the truth that there is nothing you can do, or nothing your parents have done, that is stronger than the redemption and will of the Lord.

-E

Scripture:

Psalm 78:4 “We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders.”

Exodus 20:6 “But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.”

Psalm 78:7 “So each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands.”

Deuteronomy 7:9 “Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.”